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I’ve noticed that during my private sessions many are experiencing uncontrollable fits of intense emotional outbursts lately. The current energies are bringing about an opportunity to clear deep childhood trauma held on by the ego. Unmet needs from childhood or infancy coming up and triggering us into these acute states.
Childhood trauma can start in utero, during birth or at any stage of a child’s development. A single experience or a continuous state of mistreatment will leave an indelible mark on our nervous system and mental patterning. During these initial years as the nervous system and brain are developing, these traumas become absorbed and entrenched in our operating software. Our core beliefs and values are formed based on these patterns imprinting themselves into our ego. These then become the deep seated programs in our ego and they are now coming up loud and strong to have the opportunity to clear.
The trauma of childhood neglect showed up in one of my clients’ in the form of a raging fit, screaming at her partner, kicking her feet, wailing in anger and anguish. This fit was so intense that her partner being on the receiving end was in shock and fear of what to do. He thought his wife was losing her mind and he may need to call for help. He hadn’t been following through on the cooking and cleaning and helping her with housework commitment he had made. And she was overburdened with other responsibilities and was counting on his help. This had been going on for months and last week things peaked when an Amazon order of her favourite bath and body soap got delayed for a third time. This soap made her feel happy and soothed in the shower and bath. And with nerves feeling frayed due to the responsibilities in her daily life along with the anxiety of the current state of the world, the soap was like a lifeline she was holding on to to help her cope. This soap had a scent that calmed her nerves, this soap helped her feel soothed and she loved using it in a bubble bath. She was desperately looking forward to having these experiences.
When the order was delayed yet again, it was enough to “break” her. The outer façade of a strong, put together person couldn’t hold and the childhood trauma was triggered in full. She cried, wailed and screamed at the top of her lungs whilst sitting on the carpeted living room floor and kicked her feet up and down banging the floor for almost an hour.
She booked a session as this experience alarmed her and she wanted to understand and process what had happened. What came up was that as a 3 year old child she would have to wear special orthotic shoes that had steel braces in them. They prevented her from running and playing like the way she truly enjoyed and would at times prevent her from climbing onto her favourite slide at the park, and truly feeling free. At times she would get so frustrated and angry at the restrictions that she would throw a temper tantrum. She relayed the story that her mother would tell her as an adult of how she would scream, cry, kick her feet as she wanted the shoes to be removed so that she could do the things she wanted. And her anger, crying and screaming could be relentless. She would try to remove the shoes on her own, but didn’t have the ability to at that age and her parents were under strict orders to make sure she wore them when out and about. She would sit in the living room or kitchen floor and bang the backs of her shoes on the floor letting her frustration around the shoes be heard.
Her mother would not be able to console her at times and tried many different techniques. The one thing that always helped was a bubble bath. In the bath, as the little girl she didn’t have to worry about being restricted in her running or jumping. She only needed to sit and allow herself to be immersed in the playfulness of the bubbles and the water toys. She would forget about her previous frustration and enjoy the moment, the smell of the scent of the bubble bath, the feel of the soft bubbles popping against her skin, and the warmth of the water all provided an experience that soothed and calmed her nerves and relieved the emotional upset.
As we went back into this memory, we brought all the emotions up to the surface to be processed and cleared. I helped her unravel how this experience imprinted a feeling of desperation and feeling trapped in her ego programming and a helplessness around it. How this led to feelings of anger, rage and frustration that came out in the form of crying for help. As a toddler, that was all she could do to communicate her unhappiness. She didn’t have the language skills to communicate how she was feeling. Her parents would wait until things were at the level of her screaming before they would react to her cries and then find ways to soothe her.
As her life was now getting completely overwhelming with responsibilities, lists, work and feeling constricting, there was no reprieve with a vacation or team sports that she used to have before the pandemic. The restrictions around being free to play were building up in her. The idea of ordering some bubble bath and body wash soap came to her and she was craving the relaxation of a bath with a lovely lavender scented soap. As the order became delayed and delayed again her patience wore out and the old trauma of not having fun, being restricted (even though now it wasn’t due to shoes, but to life events) brought up all the old trauma and before she knew it she could only act in the way that she did at the age of 3.
I explained to her that this is how our childhood trauma expresses itself. When we have those moments of uncontrollable emotions come to the surface and these reactions do not make logical sense as the proper response to the situation. That the delay of a bodywash order could trigger such a fit didn’t make sense to her and she was bewildered by it.
She was able to process the trauma and make sense of her response based on the childhood patterning. The ego became programmed with the core belief that things were a struggle, having fun was a struggle and she had to work hard for it. That her need to have these shoes removed were unmet and only when she reached her breaking point as a toddler and cried and screamed would she then be listened to and someone would come to help her feel better. She then understood that the toddler trauma in her was kicking and screaming because it didn’t realize that she could now pick herself up off the floor and find other ways to soothe herself. The toddler programming didn’t even know that she was no longer wearing those shoes. As we processed the beliefs and understandings, her nervous system and brain repatterning was actively occurring.
This childhood trauma is now having the opportunity to come to the surface in all of us. These past few years have brought many of us to the brink where our normal abilities to cope and adapt have worn thin and these childhood trauma responses are coming to the surface. These traumas have created some of the deepest ego programs and distorted core beliefs we have. And we are now getting the opportunity to see them in our reactions and get help to process them if we choose.
We are getting so many opportunities for the ego to die and this is a very significant one.
If you are having any irrational behaviour responses, journal about them and see what comes up. What memories come up from a younger time. Some are from infancy and need assistance to be brought up. See what conclusions and understanding you can glean from the experience and from the ego programs you uncover. Then sit with them and still point them. Childhood trauma is some of the most difficult to process on your own so if you are not getting very far do not be upset about it. Send yourself love and if you are excited about really processing it, book a session.
With love to all,
Ravinder
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